I titled this pic desolation in febuary. It set the tone for the trip that reverbiated through out the 2600 mile journey that I took that week and was a moment I can still palpate in my minds eye. It was brutal cold, biting through my two shirts and niping at my naked face. The earth beyond the icy two lane twisty strech of what must be in spring time black top asphalt seemed completely untouched by mankind. This is my myspace pic, my IM pic and seems to sum up my inner fabric at this moment. I'm not taking down any more posts or editing them. I'm not ashamed of my past and can only learn from it. I'm learning more every day living in the specific situation I have built. Sometimes it's something I didn't know about myself, sometimes of man kind and sometimes just... I can not pin point such a vague thing as this, but it has had roller coaster like tendencies and the highs were not that high and the lows were so low. Jail was much better than this. I enjoyed jail though, for what it was. A vacation. Time off. A mandated monistary of mental abilitly. To remove myself from this situation mentally or physically would not do me the good it is to remain. I'm actually quite content. I can't find the line sometimes where I'm to blame or to blame others. I can only hope that time will tell and for now I can only concentrate on the person I am and the person I want to be. Morally inept people leave a vacues essence. I had a dream that I made close contact with the enemy Athena. I and Mandy used to do this thing where we would put our forheads together. Anyone who studies medicine could tell you that the mind functions by electrical impulses from the sinapse (located else where in the body) Science Fiction has insinuated that the frontal lobe is where telepathy takes place, or the possibiliy of it. I would actually percieve (self imposed) a tickle or tingle. The thought of thoughts passing was never optioned, but rather the electrical impulses or possible chemical transitions that do so. In this dream in this same odd proximity I felt my soul leave my body as this person absorbed or sucked my moral, mental and emotional self out of the vessel I have been shaping at the gym. I woke covered in sweat, gasping for air and wanting to drink like I had the past few weeks. I think it is the drink that causes my mind to travel so far from reality and vacation in the exotic. Alchol and a bad attitude is my acid. I remain steadfast in the person I am, unconvinced by this minority of any other possibility, but she is a smart woman and very aware of her dark arts. She has been trained by the best (her mother) and knows not any other ability. I feel inclined to teach her what I know, but know that like some teachers that don't know exactly the material it would be of no use. I'm not obligated. She is happy, extatic even. It's sickening how blissful someone can be at the expense of others. Her Hitler like elation permiates the apartment with a clorox smell. We exist only by completely ignoring the other. Less than you would give a common stranger, which I would enjoy so much more. I don't know what I feel, let alone why. Is it compassion....pity...hurt...fear, the root. Yes, Fear would be the easiest answer, because it satisfies all the other adjectives of fear that could be used to describe dark emotions. Fear of what she might teach me, fear of what I might glean from such a person, fear of what she could do with her abilities and wit. 2 minites with her this morning has left me in a tail spin waiting for the pool party with friends, Jason Greenwood, Nick Tubertini, John Tussing and...strangers...blissful strangers. I went to Muse a bar down the street last night and had a GEORGEOUS girl named Jessica sitting on my lap with my hand on her naked thigh, my mind flying with all the debauched thoughts appropriate for the situation, but I left alone... feeling good about myself. I don't need others to feel good about myself. (Don't get it wrong, had she got in my truck I would not have kicked her out) I enjoy the person I am when I'm alone, I enjoy who I am when I'm with people I can trust and people that can respect me. The golden rule really is golden. I suppose to a certain degree if Athena kept a blog, hers would look similar to this all my I's are hers as well. So this draw, I have lost..This loose truce we have will stand until time thickens the walls and communication without gutteral grunts and scared monkey laughs can take place. That would be the high point of anything that could become. I know I have put I on every line and I have spoken of I the whole time. I...that is what this blog is about...and I'm doing just fine. Thanks to all my friends..Thanks for the love and support of my family that have reached out like I didn't know they were capable of and helping me through a spot in my life harder than I imagined it could be as an adult. I love you, too. That is all I want to be capable of...Love. I need not hate, I have seen what hate makes of a person. -Evan Christensen